Bringing the Sacred into Death and Dying

There are two life events that we have in common with all beings. Whatever your beliefs may be, each of these events can be defined as sacred or worthy of awe and respect. The first is when a baby comes into this world and takes his or her first breath and cries out. The second is when a dying person takes his or her final breath and leaves this world. In both cases, a sense of wonder fills the room.

Since American society is generally a death-denying culture, few people want to think about, talk about or prepare for their own death or that of a loved one. Intellectually, we know that we are all going to die, but discomfort puts death behind a closed door.

By creating peace around our individual mortality, we can live fully until our last breath. My life experience called me to become trained as an end-of-life doula to offer companionship as you imagine what a peaceful death means to you.

A Vigil Plan as a Guide to your Final Days

Just as you might plan your ideal vacation, you can plan how and where you would like to spend your final days of life. What will give you the greatest comfort and sense of peace?

1. Where do you want to spend your final days?
Do you want to spend your last days in a hospital, in a hospice, or in your home? If so, make those wishes very clear to your medical providers and to your family members.

2. What do you want to see in your environment?
Here are some possibilities:
• Photos that evoke precious memories of family, friends, or travels;
• The view from your window of nature and wildlife;
• Precious objects such as crystals or spiritual art;
• Green plants or fresh cut flowers to bring nature into the space; and
• Dim lighting or sunshine.

3. What do you want to hear?
It is said that hearing is the last sense to go. Here are some recommendations:
• Playlist of your favorite music
• List of books for bedside reading
• How you want people to talk when they are at bedside—lowered voices or normal tones
• What conversations do you want to hear—treasured memories or spiritual support
• A guided meditation taking you to your favorite spot
• Yoga Nidra to provide ease and release
• Calming nature sounds like rain, bird calls or ocean waves
• Sound therapy such as chimes or singing bowls; and
• Who do you want present for your last breath? Your spouse, immediate family, friends or pets?

4. What do you want to touch or feel?
Here are some suggestions:
• A soft blanket or your favorite quilt;
• Massage therapy or Reiki to help reduce pain;
• Names of people you wish to hold your hand or provide other soft touch;
• Visits from your own pets or therapy animals; and
• Whether you wish to be held by your spouse, close friend, or doula.

5. What scents might offer comfort or relief?
• Favorite perfume or lavender sprayed on your pillowcase;
• Your favorite scented candles
• The smell of chocolate chip cookies in the oven to take you back to your childhood; or
• Single essential oils in a diffuser, including calming lavender, mood-regulating bergamot or uplifting rose. Please consult your physician before using essential oils. Note that many essential oils are toxic to dogs.

6. What tastes will bring back memories and offer joy?
• If you are still eating, include a list of your favorite snacks, beverages or comfort foods;
• Even when it may not be possible to drink, include if you would like a particular flavor on mouth swabs, including lemon, mint or even your favorite adult beverage.

7. What else is important to you?
• How do you want your pain managed at end of life?
• Do you wish to receive the last rites from a priest or a final visit with a clergy member?
• Is there a particular ritual you would like practiced before or after your death?
• After your death, would you like a family member or friend to wash your body? Who? What parts of your body?

All of these possibilities may seem overwhelming. Please know that an end-of-life doula like myself can walk by your side as you contemplate your final plans or those of your loved one. There is no need to feel alone with such contemplations.